Feelings of uselessness

For the past couple of months I have been battling with my health from a backlash of collapsing.  There is no way of knowing when and how you will be struck down in your health. 

Today, like so many, I have had another headache that pierced into me and puts me in bed.  I know it's not just an ordinary headache, but one that starts in the base of my head and spreads down my spine, then into my muscles.  I rest and fall asleep, that's all I can do.  What a useless existance.

I was realizing today that there is nothing I can do to go to work.  I can come up with some alternative ideas of work out of my home, but I can't even make plans of anything consistant.  There are obsticles in every direction.  I am so tired of this.  My nerves are wrung out from these headaches and inflammation.  Yes, it effects the nerves, not in a psychological way, but in a physical way.  If you've ever experienced a severe allergy reaction, you will understand how it effects the nerves.  I hate it.  I can't handle listening to my little dog bark, everything has to be quiet in the house. 

This moment will pass when my system levels out again, but then I know this will happen again.  I wish there was a miracle cure.  People try to give their imput, but they are not living in this health dilema.  People think there's a simple solution to the problem... like take some vitamins (it's a neurological illness not a lack of vitamins), or have faith, hope, be positive ( after trying all the above you begin to wonder about those options when you see no results... it's never ending and hopeless really), or exercise (deadly to the system, it causes you to relapse), or just go out and do something that will make you happy (that costs MONEY, for gas, etc, which I don't have).  I could go on. 


The reality is, this illness wipes out your life.  For some they are financially o.k. and for others they have their spouses.  After a couple of years of being at home you lose your social life and your resources of friends dwindle out.  People don't want to be around sick people or hear anything about it.  People want to be charmed, entertained and know that there's something in it for them.  I have nothing to give.  I feel useless.

When you feel useless and like you have no purpose anymore... what's the point to life.  I am struggling with holding onto what I have with the threat and reality of it all being taken away.  I have no strength to fight for what's left.  I am sick and tired.  That's a fact.  I have been battling with the insurance company since day one and I know it will be never ending.  When am I able to rest?  How can I relax?  Knowing my finances are always being threatened.  I have had my power and phone cut off and close to losing my home.  I have had some help that came just in the nick of time.  Wow.  Is this how I'm suppose to live now?  Always on the edge... this stresses me out.  Stress has been added to me since I've been ill.  Stress did not cause this.  Why in the hell would anybody want to continue on in this kind of existance.

Today I wonder what my life is for.  How can I not have feelings of uselessness? What do I have to hope for or look forward to.  My next meal, my next paid bill, some extra money for some small luxury.  Isn't that exciting. 

I have never desired to play the lottery, but it's interesting how a persons mind changes when they're financially in ruin.  If my finances were secure, then I could at least relax and rest properly.  It wouldn't take the illness away, but it would be a bit more bareable and I could at least look forward to doing somethings that I couldn't do otherwise.  People don't realize how very fortunate they are that they can work or walk a distance or plan their days knowing they can commit to it.

I had someone say to me, a pastors wife, who had finished complaining about how they don't have enough money to meet their bills... (they have a very nice home, with very nice furniture and two newer vehicles with payments and their children are all in activities and they drive them out of town to play their games and they have cable, etc...)  and complaining that she needs to find work,  "I know a man who has losts of money, but he's ill and can't enjoy any of it. How difficult for him and his wife."  Then she continued, "If I had a choice I would chose to be poor rather than sick.  At least I could still work."  I said to her,  "The rich man can afford to be sick and the poor person can at least still have the ability to work."   As for me... I am neither rich nor have the ability to work.

I confess I was annoyed at our visit because when she came into my living room she asked me about my lights that were turned on. ??  She knew I had my power previously cut off because I couldn't meet the bill.  With the power cut off the furnace wouldn't work either and this caused me to collapse because my system can't take the cold.  I asked her what she ment when she pointed to my lights.  She stumbled about with her answer, so I came out with it.  I said, "You mean am I paying the bill?"  She was wondering why I had my lights on if I was having difficulty paying my bill?  I was irked by her ignorant question about my power.  I should have turned off the lights and had a visit in the dark with her.  I wonder what she would have thought then?  How stupid! It's night... the lights need to be turned on.  Maybe I should have lit some candles.  The pathetic thing is that people don't want to see you have any pleasure of any kind and THEY watch how you're spending your money.  I'm not taking luxuries over necessities!

That kind of  Christian attitude is truly alarming.  When people see you down and out, they expect to keep seeing you there.  The fact is I can't change what's happened to my life physically or finacially.  I am barely coping.  And to top it off, you get people, who are well and not financially stressed, giving you narrow minded advice for your situation that does no good and with knowing very little about your condition.  Can you tell I'm venting...  Yes, it's been a bad day.  And I'm allowed to have these once in a while.  No, people don't always turn positive in a dim situation.  When you're down, you are down and that's just how you cope sometimes.

On the upside of things I must say, and I reflect on this, I had a brother and sister in Christ give me a helping hand a couple of times that just blew me away.  They didn't just speak the word... they did the word.  The bible says, "Don't just be hearers of the word, but be doers."  Many times Christians say, "I'll pray for you."  I find that almost condesending.  That's their easy way out of saying... I don't want to commit to helping you in any real or material way, so I'll just pray... it doesn't cost me anything.  I have seen Christians who have very little give more than those Christians who have more than enough for themselves.  To each his own, but that is not true Christianity.  I could write a book on the subject.

Well, that's all I have to say for now.  I needed to vent.  It's been a bad day and I need to lay down again. Who really wants to hear it.  This blog is not being read, so ... oh, well, just as well.

Ya... clearly I'm down and out today.  Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe I'll have some good news.  Maybe I'll hear something that will lift my spirit.  Maybe I'll get some relief.  Maybe tomorrow I won't feel so useless.